Always Dreamin'

We all have dreams of some kind for everything under the sun and then some, but alas a lot of us will never get to see those dreams become a reality. I guess it's just not meant for every one to live this so called American Dream. It seems to be easier for others than for some, some work at it really hard and get it, some work really hard and just die never knowing it or even get close to it.

I have always had my dreams of different things, from having a mother who hmm' well let's not go there , to being rich enough to have the things that money can buy, okay so I'm still dreaming, still trying, still praying. I just have this feeling that soon really soon, I, too will get my chance at the American Dream and not be poor any more or have to decide between dinner and the mortgage or medicine and the gas bill. I want to live in a really nice home that's safe and full of all the things that I want and need, not full of mole and fungi and asbestos. Sure it's easy for those who have money to judge and say bitter things because they either have not been in a bad way or been there and just can't stand to think of going back to that again. Well sadly some of us, despite all our efforts can't get a break or get that fresh start to see beyond the gravel pit of disappointment. Yes I have worked since I was 12 years old so I am not a loafer and I don't feel like I'm owed anything from anyone, anywhere. I just would like to live a good, happy, healthy, safe life the way I would like to for a change.

I see all the pretty homes around me and I see the families sharing and going places and doing things, we just can't afford anything, let alone go anywhere, vacation or other wise. I see the sales, but I can't even afford to shop for the cheap stuff let alone the better stuff, so I day dream and I write out list of all the things I'm going to buy the places I'm going to go, the things I'm going see and do. It's just not happening, I'm getting older by the day, month, year. It would be so nice to start right now to enjoy life right now while I'm 50 not 55 or 60, I'm not guaranteed to be here so I want it now. Is this so wrong, I'm I being selfish?

I would think that after a not so good childhood ( believe me you don't want to know about it) my life would have started to finally turn around for a better life at 50, goodness I have been blessed to make it this far, can't I start to live now? Can't I have my nice car, with a nice bank account and a sweet home, with little or no bills of any major demand. I want to get on the plane and go somewhere and sip fruity drinks or whiskey sours and watch the sun come up on an island in the tropics, too. Why does it seem that once we reach our 50's it's like we are suppose to just take a permanent trip to outer moon Mongolia and fade to black, that's just not right we should be able to have a good life too even if it is later in our life or middle of it as it is.

So lets see can I come up with an idea for something and sell it to the highest bidder, maybe. Can I sing my way to the big time, maybe. Can I find a couple of 2 or 3 million laying around in a brown paper bag, sure(funny) how did you get so rich? Really! I just don't know anymore, Do Dreams really come true? I read about it, I see it on TV. I just don't think it really happens to regular people like me, heck I have been sending off the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes for over 30 years and I still haven't won my 10 million dollars, I've been playing the lottery for almost as long and nothing there either, so I'm either very unlucky or just not meant to have any real material gain what so every on this earth. Can this really be true, no I can't believe that, I just think like my marriage it will happen, just hope it won't be to late to enjoy it. I just wish it would happen now, right now so I can have a blast and see places and do all sorts of things and go almost anywhere, and buy stuff not just wish I can, before I'm am to old to even care or want to enjoy it.

I wish I could help my daughter finish college and pay off her car and buy that townhouse she's been wanting, I wish I could do more for her. I wish my youngest son wasn't serving his second tour of duty now in Afghanistan. I wish my husband of almost 3 years wasn't wasting his years working now for 30 years with nothing to show for it. Yes I have a lot of wishes so many it's sad that none of them seem to come true. Yes we are blessed with each other and our health and we are together some of us, but let's face it most of us like beautiful things, we like to dress nice and we like to go to nice places and live in nice homes, drive nice cars and or trucks. I want to live this life with what makes me happy and this is what I want.

I don't expect to be super rich, just well off and content, to wake up and want to do something good because I feel good and yes it feels good to do for others but how do you feel after you've helped them only to return to your disaster of a life. Yes I want someone else to feel good too, But before I can help someone else feel good I need to really be happy for me now. I've spent my life doing something for someone else to see them happy in some kind of way, I don't know what it feels like to really be able to do for me, because I never have had the time or chance or money. I did what I could because it had to be done, not because it would be fun just to do, I don't know if you get it, but I need to just be able to be happy for me for a change. What would make me happy? A new home, a real home, my home that no other women or anyone has lived in, a new car right off the assembly line, new clothes, fresh clean safe happy, a brand new start, a real life that I can start and live in, not someone else's idea of where I should be, but where I want to be.
I don't want to have to worry about how we are going to pay the bills or which bills get payed this time, and which ones have to role over and over, or the mortgage being foreclosed or the taxes being late, or not getting medicine because we cant afford it, or not getting new eyeglasses or going to the dentist, or can we afford to buy food this week. I'm smothering in this disaster. I know what it's like to be homeless, to be hungry to be without to have to hide away because you don't want anyone to know how bad off you are. People say if you need anything just let me know and when you do they can't help you, so you just don't ask and try to do it on your own some make it out on their own and do really good, but some of us need a helping hand to get out of the pit, to stand on our own just that one hand reaching down to help pull you out and help you land on your feet just one big time can make all the difference. Stop the madness, why can't everyone have a chance at least once in their lives. Why can't I have a chance in this my only life. I'm 50 now I want to enjoy the rest of how ever many years I'm blessed with and I want to live it healthy, happy safe the way I would like. Darn Do I have to wake up now!